This will only be my second Once Upon A Time episode review... (my 1st review can be viewed HERE)... so go easy on me, audience-consisting-of-only-me.
See? I talk to myself even on here in Blogger Land. I kind of like that. There's
But if there is someone reading this , prepare for a long review because I have more than a week to write it... courtesy of the Oscars. As far as I'm concerned OUAT > AWARD SHOWS! And why must they air something like 3 hours of the red carpet, too? They so easily could have allotted that time for an OUAT episode. ABC has their priorities out of whack.
Let's begin with FairyTale Land, shall we?
Rumpel enters his cottage, all excited smiles. With an over the moon and sing-song voice, he explains that he's been enlisted to fight in the Ogre Wars. For the first time we see that, pre-Hook, Rumpel and Milah were actually in love. I know that sounds inconceivable, but to quote the clergyman in The Princess Bride they had "wuv, tru, wuv!"
Milah is concerned but Rumpel explains that this is the chance he's been waiting for. His father was known throughout the village as a coward (the cowardly lion perhaps?) and that sin has always been revisited upon the son.
Well not anymore, because Rumpel is going to courageously fight those 10 foot high ogres and return to his village a hero. There will probably be a parade and everything. He'll be the king of the fooorest!!! Milah urges him to be safe and fight honorably. When he returns they can do what they've always dreamed of; to start a family.
But things didn't quite pan out as Rumpel envisioned. Back at camp with the other soldiers, he's asked to keep watch over their prisoner. A prisoner which can turn the tide in the Ogre Wars.
Enter creepy Seer Girl. She's locked up in a cage, and even though her eyes are sewn shut all she wants is a glass of water. Rumpel obeys because, let's face it: frightening sideshow girl knows all about him, and besides... her eyeballs are actually blinking back at him from the palms of her hands.
Seriously, this girl was c-r-e-e-p-y. She made the Weeping Angels on Doctor Who look like cuddly bunny rabbits you'd invite over for tea and scones.
So creepy seer girl tells Rumpel his future. He will enter the battlefield tomorrow, and as a result of his actions his son will be fatherless.
Assuming the Seer means he'll die in battle, Rumpel takes matter into his own hands. He has to change the future. He doesn't want to die and he doesn't want his son to be without a father his whole life. To change his fate, Rumpel takes a sledgehammer to his leg.
Insert a chorus of vomiting.
You can disagree with me if you'd like, but Rumpel's actions here are anything but cowardly in my eyes. Need proof? Walk into the garage, or your local Home Depot, and then slam a sledgehammer into your perfect leg. I'll wait.
Oh, you can't do it? I think I've proven my point.
But I digress. Rumpel returns to his humble abode and all of a sudden his dear sweet Milah acts like she just took her Mr. Hyde pills.
She's a despicable person from here on out. In other words, she's back to being the Milah we've already seen with the dastardly Captain Hook.
So Milah has heard the rumors of what her husband has done. When Rumpel explains that his reason for injuring himself was to save his son from suffering his own fate, of living without a father, Milah's response was these cruel words: "You sentenced him to a fate much worse; growing up as your son. You could have fought, Rumpel. You could have DIED!"
See? A fork-tongued Biatch with a capital B!
The peasantry witch then proceeds to exit cottage stage right. (Or left. Who cares about the details? She's gone for the moment, and that's all that matters. Hopefully the village exorcist can spread some sage and incense around the place to clear out Milah's negative energy).
Here, we witness Rumpel holding his son for the first time and believe me when I say it was a sweet, sweet SWEET scene! Baby Baelfire reaches up to grab his papa's nose, and Rumpel tells his son that he'll never ever leave him.
Where the hell is the kleenex?!
To end our storyline in Fairytale Land, we fast-forward to a meeting in the woods between The Dark One and the Seer. (The Seer is an adult now, and in case you're wondering she didn't grow out of her creepy tween stage). Rumpel/The Dark One voices his objections to "the pesky details" of his son's growing up without a father being left out. He feels cheated, so of course he's out for revenge now.
He thereby steals the Seer's ability to see the future. Pretty quickly Rumpel realized that the old adage is true of being careful what you wish for. He learns that knowing the future isn't all daggers and blood... (as opposed to roses and kitty cats for we Non-Dark One's). It's all dark and confusing and jumbled up. It's a puzzle you have to put together yourself, and the answer is never what you think.
Next, the seer hands over one last piece of the puzzle. She says that he will find his son, and that a young boy - a boy who is more than he appears - will lead him to Baelfire, but BEWARE because this boy will be his undoing.
And what Rumpel says next will have to wait until the very end of this review. It's too jaw dropping and premature to impart just now. Trust me.
I hope you're ready for a change of scenery, because now it's time to transport ourselves to New York City. Emma, Henry and Mr. Gold are searching for Baelfire. (In case you don't know, Emma is there to honor her deal with Mr. Gold, and she brought Henry along to protect him from Cora). Mr. Gold's magical globe (basically a Baelfire GPS system) showed Bae as living in The Big Apple, and they think they've narrowed it down to his apartment building.
Still, Mr. Gold is starting to have doubts but Emma thinks they're in the right place. After all, her area of expertise before coming to Storybrooke was finding people who didn't want to be found.
It turns out Emma's hunch was correct, because the mysterious Bae is escaping his apartment via the fire escape.
Rambling Note: Once they're back outside on the street, the searching trio just stand there while Bae tries to escape. Seriously, as his legs are dangling over the sidewalk Mr. Gold pleads for Emma to catch him because he can't run. Now... I understand that Gold has a bad leg, but really?! Mr. Gold can't just limp the six paces to his son? Even Henry could have grabbed hold of Bae's legs without help from any adult.
End Rambling Note.
Mr. Gold reminds "Miss Swan" that she still owes him that favor. (Well, duh Sherlock! I think she's aware of that since she boarded a plane and hasn't slept in days because of it. She isn't in New York City for the hot dog carts). So Emma pulls a Charlie's Angels move and starts running down the streets of Manhattan. This is New York, so I'm sure no one thought that unusual.
And now to Storybrooke.......
Regina, Cora and Hook are playing the revenge game once again. Hook wants to go to NYC to kill Rumpel, since he has no magic there. The mother-daughter duo, however, have no desire for that. If they cross the town line they have no magic. Instead, they decide to use his absence to find The Dark One's dagger. That way they can control him. They can order him to kill Snow White, Prince Charming and Emma. He'll just be a pawn and the innocent-in-Henry's-eyes Regina will get her son back, blah blah blah.
Who else saw that coming from a mile away? (Raises hand in the air). And I suspect that Regina might be playing Cora here... or both. I really didn't care at this point because I was too busy looking at Captain
Plea to the OUAT writing team: Please don't kill him off anytime soon. He might not be the brightest crayon in the box, but he's really nice to look at.
So Regina heads to Belle's hospital room. She uses magic to make her sleep, and then proceeds to rifle through Belle's belongings with... you guessed it... magic. The contents of her bag are circling in the air, and a piece of paper with a DDC number scrawled on it draws her attention.
Regina's overuse of magic is laziness if ya ask me, and also stupid seeing how the whole time the annoying outsider (Greg Mendel) witnesses the scene and records it on his iphone.
So the evil trio heads to Belle's library and Regina is buying (or pretending to buy) Cora's Mama Bear Act when she praises her cleverness in trying to locate the dagger. Instead of the dagger, they find a map which Hook says will lead to the dagger's location.
Naturally, Hook wants a piece of the action but the now-pant-suit-wearing Cora thinks the dagger is too powerful to be wasted on him. This is where Hook gets his @ss kicked by a girl yet again. The fact that he has broken ribs this time doesn't suit well for him to heal anytime soon.
Which is fine by me, as he deserves what he gets. I just hope that whatever is in store for him, I get to watch. That's his destiny as far as I'm concerned.
And back to Manhattan again....
It was no surprise to any devoted OUAT viewer with a brain that Neal turned out to be Baelfire. (Anyone else not like this guy? He bothers me because he behaves like he's doped up on Nyquil and looks like he hasn't taken a shower or combed his hair in a few months. His poor hygiene is a total turn off).
This review is getting way too long, so here's a quick list of what transpires next:
- As clearly seen above, Emma is pretty upset and rightly so. Her son's father not only helped get her arrested, but he's Rumpel's son.
- Bae explains why he framed her. He tells her about running into August/Pinocchio, and FINALLY we know what was inside August's box which he showed Bae.
After all these weeks of wondering what was taking residence inside that old wooden box, I wasn't all that impressed. Maybe presentation just isn't Pinocchio's forte?
- Mr. Gold and Henry have a bonding moment. Mr. Gold buys him a hot dog (apparently the snack stands in Manhattan don't sell Cinnabon) and says he's turning into "a remarkable young man." They have a discussion about Baelfire's eventual reunion, and of the pitfalls of seeing into the future. (Henry thinks it'd make everything easier, but Mr. Gold explains the whole 'puzzle pieces/misinterpretation' concept mentioned earlier).
- Emma returns without Baelfire. Bae doesn't want to see his father and Emma doesn't want Henry to know about him. She tells Gold that she lost him.
- Mr. Gold breaks into Bae's apartment to wait for him. Emma isn't keen on the idea, and Mr. Gold gleans that Emma is lying about not finding Bae. He starts to threaten her, so she orders Henry to go into the other room. In true Emma form, she stands up to Mr. Gold and tells him to back off. Mr. Gold starts having a temper tantrum, destroying the apartment, but then Bae comes to the rescue. Mr. Gold thinks Bae is there to see him, but Bae quickly explains that he's there to protect Emma. He's seen what his father does to people that break deals.
- When Henry comes into the room, he asks why everyone is shouting. Bae is frantically putting the pieces together. He asks who his father is, and Henry replies that he was a fireman. A hero that died in a fire. Bae isn't buying it, and asks Henry how old he is.
Wondering what the hell is going on with all these arguing adults, Henry shouts... "I'm eleven!"
Oops. Sorry, kid, but not only is this doped-up-on-Nyquil-guy your dad, but The Dark One is your grandfather. On your next birthday don't ask for any daggers, okay?
- When Emma tries to explain why she lied, Henry says something pretty cruel. He tells Emma, "I thought you were different, but you're just like her. Regina. She always lied to me, too."
- Mr. Gold forces Bae to talk to him. Otherwise, Emma's deal will not have been honored. Bae's father is begging for a second chance, and even says he can rewind the clock and make him 14 again. They can start over. Of course, Bae tells his father that he's insane to think he'd want to be 14 again. He also reminds him that he's still trying to use magic to make up for his mistakes.
Mr. Gold must have the memory of a goldfish. How could he not remember that the reason they tried to leave Fairytale Land in the first place was for his Dad NOT to use magic?
Bae is pretty upset with being face-to-face with his father after all these years. (Just HOW OLD is he anyway?). He tells him that neither of them are going to get closure, end of story. Bye-bye, dad!
- In the closing scene, we see Henry and Bae talking on the fire escape. Getting to know each other. It was actually pretty sweet and simply done... but then we see the flashback of Rumpel and The Seer back in Fairytale Land in the woods. After the Seer imparts that the boy will be his undoing, Rumpel matter-of-factly replies - "Then I'll just have to kill him."
Here, the camera pans from Henry and his father's chat on the fire escape to Mr. Gold watching them through the window.
Words can't convey how disturbing this was to watch. Surely he wouldn't kill Henry when he's so desperate to gain back his son's affections? But then again, maybe he would seeing how Cora has her own uses for The Dark One's dagger. Regina would never harm Henry, but Cora/The Queen of Hearts would in a heart beat.
- Two mysteries solved! Rumpel's limp and what was inside Augusts' mysterious box.
- I liked the little scene where Emma calls her Mom after finding out that Neal is Baelfire.
- I forgot to mention Bae's talk to Emma about there being no coincidences in their meeting.
- I loved that the writers poked fun at the whole family/relatives ordeal. It was cute.
- What's with the dream catcher?
- We need to see Archie again!
- Where is Jefferson?
- If Rumpel can use magic to reattach limbs (as he did with Dr. Whale), why can't he fix his limp? I like the limp, but I can't be the only one curious about this.
- Bae's last memory of his father still haunting him after all this time is sad to think about. He might be unhygienic, but I feel sorry for him.
- Where the heck is August? Does Marco even know where he is?
- Charming and Snow aren't taking Gold's threat, about protecting Belle while he's away, to heart. We haven't seen them visiting her even once.
- We need to see Nova with Grumpy again!
- Will we ever see Sheriff Graham/The Huntsman again? I think we will, but I'm not sure how. Probably in another flashback.