Saturday, September 21, 2013

Guide to Country Living 101

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- Citronella candles aren’t made just for the outdoors.

- Rabbits are cute, and you will want to cuddle them, but a hug from a wild rabbit is a pipe dream. It’s never going to happen.

- Cicada’s can be so noisy that your dogs will bark back at them.

- Baby lizards are like the paparazzi. Every time you step outside, they’re already gathered on your doorstep and insist on invading your space.

- Cows don’t do very much.

- Flies enjoy stalking human flesh and are not opposed to living indoors.

- When the washing machine and dryer are in the garage, becoming paranoid over snakes, tarantulas and mice engaging in surprise attacks across your feet aren’t exactly outside the realm of possibility.

- Never yawn without first covering your mouth since flying insects think of an open human mouth as an invitation to crash your tonsils.

- If doing laundry in the garage, beware of kamikaze flies flying into the dryer and baby salamanders falling from the ceiling.

- After washing your car, don’t expect it to remain clean more than a total of 15 minutes. In the country you have things like dirt… birds using your car as a toilet… whirly dervishes… bugs that like to melt and die on the hood of your car… dirt… dirt… and did I say dirt?

- Mice aren’t as cute as they appear in Beatrix Potter’s children’s stories.

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- If your water comes from a well, be prepared to purchase A LOT of bottled water.

-If you see a tarantula that looks like it’s standing on stilts… run like hell. It isn’t standing upright to be polite, asking you to pull up a chair and chat. It’s getting ready to kick your ass.

- Invest in purchasing fly swatters in bulk. You will need one in every room… on every table… on every porch.

And don’t be surprised when you buy one of the larger ones which are battery operated and act like a taser.

- When you see a man wearing a cowboy hat, it doesn’t mean its “Livestock Show and Rodeo” Time in Houston. These aren’t drugstore cowboys, but the real deal/country folk. Enjoy it.

- Some hawks have such an immense wing span that they’re reminiscent of the eagles in Middle Earth.

- Don’t expect to spend many nights gazing up at the stars. It gets DARK out there, and the predominant thought inside your brain will not be the wonders of the Universe but rather the frightening idea that inside all that inky black there exists nothing but poisonous insects and snakes preparing to strike you at your most vulnerable moment.

- When you live on 43 acres and have to do the grass cutting yourself, you’re only going to be able to walk – and with great caution - about 2 acres of it.

- When traveling down a country road, you have to become talented at the art of multitasking; waving at passerby riding their tractors, and driving 60 mph at the same time.

- Especially when it’s raining, a lot of the older country folk prefer to ride in their golf carts to fetch the mail.

- Watching a sunset behind nothing but fields of grass is a b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l sight, and the sun itself looks ginormous and like something out of Star Wars. It’s a spectacular show.

- Snakes do climb fences.

- Mice are smarter than you think. When they find one of their 90,000 brethren fallen victim to mouse traps, they’ll steer clear of the area.

Until the day they let down their guard, and then…. SNAP!

- When you live on large acreage, 99.99% of it is populated by mice that dig tunnels of holes at your feet and hang out on your porch no matter the time of day.

- Boredom and the lack of internet will soon have you pulling the trigger of your very own Red Ryder BB Gun as you shoot at empty Coca Cola cans.

- Having such a limited number of tv channels to surf, you might have to make the painful choice between watching a dozen Hispanic channels (a lot of news and talk shows), two religious channels (mostly children’s programming where scary puppets like to talk about God), a few Japanese channels (more talk shows), or He-Man on the cartoon channel.

FYI: He-Man > Gibberish and Religious Sock Puppets

(Unfortunately, they cancelled He-Man a few weeks ago)

- Toad poop is gross and not like what you'd expect. Toads love to hang out on the porch at night, and when you get up the next morning it’s going to look like a team of terriers had been using it as a bathroom all evening.

- If in suburbia you used to be in the habit of rescuing spiders, in the country you’ll become a spider killing machine. You’ll become so gifted at the sport that you could karate chop them in two, blindfolded and with your bare hands.

- It’s impossible to drive down a country road without seeing a swarm of vultures having lunch.

- In all the small towns you drive through, the cattle population exceeds the human population.

- If you try to make friends with cattle by talking to them, they’ll only study you intensely (never breaking eye contact) while munching on grass. (Which will make YOU feel like a monkey in a cage that’s being observed at the zoo).

- When you see a pair of very large dogs working in unison to flush innocent rabbits out of the barn, they’re not chasing them to play Tag.

- When the boredom is too much to bear, always have a pair of binoculars next to the window facing the highway. If you’re lucky, your day’s entertainment will consist of watching at least 3 trucks being pulled over by the cops.

- There isn't much to do in the country but there are lots of antique stores, most of which are only open from Wednesday - Saturday. The rest of the week you're on your own in finding something to do; whether it's having one-sided discussions with cows or making root beer floats.

- Don't drink root beer floats outdoors. Flies like root beer floats.

- A bowl to trap lizards in, and a shoe to squash bugs with, is a permanent fixture under the bed in your bedroom.

- The highlight of your day is traveling to the nearest grocery/rest stop to get a bottled Starbucks drink with a homemade cinnamon roll.


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